Lost

I have a feeling that I need to write, put into words all the thoughts swirling in my head...but every thought is so hard to explain, so vague sometimes that I cannot even fully understand it...perhaps the intensity of each thought is something that you can feel but cannot express...which I find very disturbing, because I have never been the kind of person who's able to bottle up my feelings...I need to immerse in them and let them run free before I can detach myself and then return to some semblance of normality...haha kinda wished that I have a Pensieve, like the one Professor Dumbledore has where he draws out his thoughts and can examine them carefully instead of them swimming aimlessly in his mind...

These past few weeks I have felt...alarmingly...Lost. Graduation is one thing. Leaving a life that I not only knew well, but Loved so is scary. It's weird, for someone who likes going around places, seeing new things, being busy and feeling useful, I am actually also very afraid of change and, well, I love my comfort zone.

I like the feeling that no matter how hectic things get, there is always that same place you can go back to to rest your head at night, that favourite CD of yours that you can listen to to destress, or just that space where you can go to be alone and away from the world. The past 2 years have been eye-opening for me in the sense that I got to travel and meet people and do so many different things and play different roles in AIESEC, and though there have been stressful times, I still could cope because whenever I got too tired for anything, I could just lock myself up in my Kebudayaan room, hug Baba in my arms, switch off my handphone and sleep, and let those 4 walls, with all the notice boards and posters, to protect me from the noise and frenzy happening outside that would consume me otherwise. In my room and in my own space, I could just BE, and there will be no one to judge or criticise me for being so.

And now that I don't have that, I'm lost. So lost. Maybe that's why I am having such a hard time with Brandstorm...I am facing stress and all these shit without my usual buffers - my room, my music, familiar faces...In a way I am hoping that this will finish soon and I can focus on rebuilding a new life, a new pattern...I know it's funny and weird, to actually WANT to have a routine life, but well...I guess, I just want..a "Home Life" as John Mayers says it :P

I was looking at the IKEA catalogue and I remember telling Woonie that I hope I can have an IKEA home :P The idea of making an empty space totally yours and infusing everything with little bits of you...gosh...I think that has always been a vulnerable point about me...a lot of things, or even people around me, once I like or love something, I latch on to it and pour my emotions into it until sometimes it feels like I can't let go...which can be very very damaging, after all, everything changes and your heart can only withstand so much hurt and disappointment....but then the opposite is true as well for me...if I don't like something...then my heart's just not there...

Another thing that has been bugging me is having a long distance relationship (LDR)... unbelievable but yeah someone Jess likes actually loves her back!!! (albeit a bit blurly, you have to know my guy to understand:P)...I still wonder how is it that I consciously chose to be in this relationship, knowing that it was going to be LDR most of the time? Hmm...maybe I love him more than I thought haha :P But seriously, I think...unexciting and old-fashioned as it may sound, I will consciously try to be nearer to him...my guy and I has known each other for years, and for the most part of those years we have been close friends...I know that both of us dreams of seeing a little bit more of the world outside than what we have now, and I know that neither of us will stop the other from going...so I guess..I just want to have a more normal relationship with him, ie, see him on a more consistent basis instead of like now:P before both of us go our separate ways and things will go back to maintaining the LDR status quo...

People always thought I'm a girl with big dreams...maybe my dreams are big in that I want to see places, taste and feel all the different colours of the world...but then again, I always knew I am not meant for great things...Opening a huge company, being a well-known figure, having loads of cash, I kinda knew those kind of things will never have my name stamped on them*...I just want myself and the people around me to be happy... :).

* To my guy if you are reading this: I'm always telling you that I want to marry a rich husband and live a life of luxury, but I think you should have no worries after reading this ya? ;p Not pretty enough to be a trophy wife, neither am I ambitious enough to climb the social ladder in order to snag that imaginary rich husband...so I guess you'll be stuck with me for quite a while haha....

"I will tell you this much, I will marry just once,
And if it doesn't work out, give her half of my stuff,
It's fine with me, we said eternity...
I will go to my grave, with the love that I gave,
Not just a melody line, on the radiowave,
It dissipates, but home life doesn't change..."

- "Home Life" - John Mayer