I just don't want to see you again...

I have a wonderful cousin called Sue :) She's one of the sweetest, kindest, most loving human beings on this planet. And she loves me, ain't I lucky?;)

I think one of the main things that make me and her get along so well is because, first and foremost, we love each other best. We lead separate lives, different majors, different activities, different friends and our own set of problems and challenges...so whenever something bad happens and we complain or sought refuge in each other, the most important thing is "my cousin". If it's guy trouble, the guy's a jerk. If there's something wrong at uni, the lecturer's crazy. Probably when I start working next time and I face problems, it's because my boss is a major b***h. Biased? Maybe...but love like this helps you through the rainy days...:) and the fact that she's family makes the bond even stronger...

Which is probably why she will think "Why the heck am I wasting my time writing this particular blog?" :P

This blog...is about my ex (whom she doesn't think kindly of...and neither do I most of the time).

I don't like seeing him again (A nominee for the understatement of the year?:P) There have been occasions where I bump into him in campus, so as courtesy calls for it I say hi before walking away. But due to circumstances not within my control, I had to meet him not once, but twice in the past few days. Well, I can't say its exactly meeting, more like he being in the same house and me avoiding him...and he has actually messaged me asking if I want to meet up a few weeks before this, which I declined, but now, I guess I don't have much choice huh?

Some people don't understand why I have this phobia of being around him. They think I haven't gotten over him, they think I still love him, they think I am immature. I refuse to believe that I am the only one in this world who has trouble seeing their ex again.

Which doesnt explain WHY I don't want to see him again. Honestly? He is a living reminder of my failure. He reminds me of a time when I was gullible enough to be taken in by all the romance and sweet words, a time when I was naive enough to believe that stories with happy endings can indeed come true in real life. He is a reminder of all the things that I used to believe...things that in the long run, sadly, proves untrue. I think now years after the break up, it's not so much about him anymore, it's more that he, being my ex, is just a reminder of things and dreams that didn't come true...he could have been anyone but I would still feel the same way simply because he is my ex...

That's why I think breaking up is such a hard thing...it not only robs you of the person that you love, it takes away all the things that you used to believe and value...it makes you wonder is anything ever real because...obviously the fact that he doesnt love you anymore is VERY real, so what of the past? Were they all just a game of charades?

Anyway back to not wanting to see him again. It's easier for me to think that he has changed, which is why he stopped loving me. But for the most part, I don't think he has. He still has the same dreams that he had when I was with him. He still has the same hobbies, still like the same type of movies...so if he hasn't change, what went wrong? Maybe...I just lost my "lovability" :P. I tried so hard to hang on which eventually drove him away. Simply said, I lost you, in every sense of the word.

So I don't want to see you again, because its a reminder that I failed. That someone actually can NOT love me. A bitter pill to swallow for someone who wants people to like her i.e moi.
And it irks me that he messaged me again yesterday. Something I would consider quite sweet in normal circumstances, but since its from him I find quite....frustrating. Perhaps he is trying to reach out to me with kindness, but I just can't figure out why do you want to reach out to me at all? You're good at leaving me alone, why not keep it that way? Your choice was to leave,and you don't owe me anything. Fine. I don't need your pity or your kindness.

Sigh...I don't know if writing this blog makes me feel better...but maybe, I just need to justify myself...no matter how immature I sound, that doesn't make me wrong...

"Jess, you should never be sorry for feeling..." - Teh*

* Words uttered by my ex-best friend during a very depressing moment in my life..sigh...now there's another blog-worthy story...but no,enough with the depression:P"