Cheerleader Vs Goth

I wonder how much heartbreak can the human heart sustain before losing faith? Uhm....I suppose that probably depends on the person, and the amount of faith they had to begin with.

I have been in two serious relationships, with wonderful, genuinely good guys, but unfortunately both didn't work out. The Cheerleader Jess in me (ponytails, short skirt, poms poms and all) constantly chirps at the side :"It's ok dear! You'll do just fine! Tomorrow's a great day!!! :)" but once in awhile the Depressed Jess (the one with the Goth make up and dark clothes) whispers "Dude, there must be something seriously wrong with you that you can't work things out with even the nicest guy..."

Anyway, the other day a friend told me that his friend, who has been to Sarawak before, said that the Iban people are "nice". When I asked him to elaborate on "nice" he said "Nice as in pretty, and nice nice..."

In a stroke of self-deprecating genius I said :"Oh no wonder I'm not marriet yet,I'm only half-Iban, not so nice..." (as opposed to my 100% Iban cousin who just got married recently >_<), to which my friend laughed...

Still...these are just thoughts for tonight, I'm sure it will come to pass, as all things do in the end.

Besides, I never like Goth make up anyway ;p.

Confessions

You know how, supposedly, when women reach a certain age they start hearing the so-called biological clock ticking and they start to want to have babies?

I wonder if there is such a thing called the marital clock? =p

I know, I know this will sound awfully desperate of me :( but...sigh...there's just something in me that has been wanting to settle down lately >_<. Maybe it's all the weddings and marriage registrations that I have been to lately, maybe it's just wishing to have someone to spend the coming birthday with, maybe....I just...like the idea of settling down I guess =p

When "us" didn't work out, I remember at one point of the conversation, I started heaving these great big sobs (the kind where it' s kind of soundless but then you feel you can hardly breathe because you're crying so hard), and when he asked me, ever so kindly, what was making me so sad, I said :"I'm crying because now I'll never marry...."

Sigh...I just, like the idea of having...as Susan Sarandon's character says it so aptly in the movie "Shall We Dance", having "a witness to our lives". I cannot recall the exact words, but the gist of what she said was that, we marry to have a witness to our lives. That when we marry someone we are saying to that person that, no matter how small or how insignificant you may appear to the world, I will be here as the witness to your life, and in so doing it (your life) will be and is significant to me. I will be the witness to your life, as you will be mine.

For me, it would be absolutely lovely to have someone there for all the little things...like reading that new book and having someone to share it with, or getting that pair of killer heels and having someone to wear it for, or just going to the supermarket and getting that packet of Oreos just because "It's his favourite and the house has ran out of it". =p Granted I can do all this for myself, on my own perfectly well, but...once in a while it does get lonely. Just a little bit.

Of course, I'm sure these are all rose-coloured visions of the unitiated and any number of married people will chide me for my naivete and tell me all the horror stories of marriage ("It's not that easy....you have more responsibilities now....so many more things to consider when making decisions etc etc etc...")...=p

Anyways, looking at blog entry "Aku Nak Kahwin" posted in April 2006, I suppose the feeling has been around for quite some time though =p

Still...feelings are feelings, we'll manage, and we'll move on, as we always do :)