Searching for a Temporary Permanence...

Searching for a Temporary Permanence...

That is my MSN nickname that roused the interest of Pegasus:p....temporary permanence? Quite an oxymoron no?

It's actually a pretty simple concept...temporary permanence as in going into a new phase of your life that will have routines and its own norms...but deep down you KNOW that THAT life wont be the life that you live forever...

Ok so maybe its doesnt sound so simple after all :P

As I wrote in my "Lost" blog, joining Brandstorm made me realize that despite wanting to go out and see the world and taste the earth as it is, deep down inside I still like having a routine, a "home life" that I can go back to for alway... Initially I figured I would find my temporary permanence after Brandstorm is over, but I guess not...:P

Simply because we won:p. We REALLY DID and in like 2 weeks time I would actually be going to Paris!!! PAris for crying out loud!!! :P ANyone who knows me knows what a romantic fool I am and Paris has always been high on my "Dream Places To Go" list ( I always figured they would just be, literally, dream places:P...)

*GAsp!!!* It's still a bit unbelievable for me...and I don't think that the fact will really sink in until I get to KLIA and board the plane....after that I will probably need Woonie & Kok Hin and Mag (the L'Oreal HRAM who will accompany us there) to calm me down in the plane because who knows what kind of jumpy antics I will resort to in that kind of excitement :P...

Anyways going back to temporary permanence...I am in the midst of finding a new place to stay in Taman Universiti...currently staying with my sis but actually has rented a room in Pulai...which is so so far away from Taman Universiti civilization for someone without transport like me :( Prospects of getting a new place seems bright, and I am just hoping that I can get my life in order ASAP when I get back to Taman Universiti from Europe...

Getting life back in order for me involves getting a proper job (which I find scary as a fresh graduate), and just settling into my new life...and when I am settled enough and has earned some income, then I'll focus on doing the next important must do thing in my life...get myself matched for an AIESEC traineeship :) (The income serves the purpose of funding my traineeship ticket, if not fully at least partially:P)

That's the whole reason I am searching for a temporary permanence. I suppose I can very well get a proper job and settle down in Miri City (the city status was just announced on 20th May, I am so proud of my birthplace! :D) with my family where everything is comfortable, or I can go to KL and headstart my career there where pretty much everything is happening...but if I want to do any of those options, I know I will be doing it for the long term, and right now I still can't let go of the idea of a traineeship...I need to throw myself out there before I get tied down, if not I think I'll look back and have "What If..." questions lingering in my head, and I cant live with that...

A lot of people tell me "Don't think about job yet, enjoy Europe first! Once in a lifetime girl!", which is very very true, but perpetual worrier that I am , I can't shake off the "I can't get a job" phobia that I have :P Maybe it's because the last time I searched for some sort of a "job", which was my practical, it didnt really work out that well and I was only able to get my placement weeks before my final exams...that was seriously scary, and quite a blow to one's self esteem really, the idea that no one wants to employ you, and I am just afraid it will happen a second time...sigh...

Worrying, this worrying trait of mine is...:P

My 2 BFs (one BoyFriend, another Best Friend :P), despite not knowing each other, both echo the same thoughts when talking to me -
"Don't think so much-lah you...." :P

I wish i had more of their simplicity when it comes to facing life....

I just don't want to see you again...

I have a wonderful cousin called Sue :) She's one of the sweetest, kindest, most loving human beings on this planet. And she loves me, ain't I lucky?;)

I think one of the main things that make me and her get along so well is because, first and foremost, we love each other best. We lead separate lives, different majors, different activities, different friends and our own set of problems and challenges...so whenever something bad happens and we complain or sought refuge in each other, the most important thing is "my cousin". If it's guy trouble, the guy's a jerk. If there's something wrong at uni, the lecturer's crazy. Probably when I start working next time and I face problems, it's because my boss is a major b***h. Biased? Maybe...but love like this helps you through the rainy days...:) and the fact that she's family makes the bond even stronger...

Which is probably why she will think "Why the heck am I wasting my time writing this particular blog?" :P

This blog...is about my ex (whom she doesn't think kindly of...and neither do I most of the time).

I don't like seeing him again (A nominee for the understatement of the year?:P) There have been occasions where I bump into him in campus, so as courtesy calls for it I say hi before walking away. But due to circumstances not within my control, I had to meet him not once, but twice in the past few days. Well, I can't say its exactly meeting, more like he being in the same house and me avoiding him...and he has actually messaged me asking if I want to meet up a few weeks before this, which I declined, but now, I guess I don't have much choice huh?

Some people don't understand why I have this phobia of being around him. They think I haven't gotten over him, they think I still love him, they think I am immature. I refuse to believe that I am the only one in this world who has trouble seeing their ex again.

Which doesnt explain WHY I don't want to see him again. Honestly? He is a living reminder of my failure. He reminds me of a time when I was gullible enough to be taken in by all the romance and sweet words, a time when I was naive enough to believe that stories with happy endings can indeed come true in real life. He is a reminder of all the things that I used to believe...things that in the long run, sadly, proves untrue. I think now years after the break up, it's not so much about him anymore, it's more that he, being my ex, is just a reminder of things and dreams that didn't come true...he could have been anyone but I would still feel the same way simply because he is my ex...

That's why I think breaking up is such a hard thing...it not only robs you of the person that you love, it takes away all the things that you used to believe and value...it makes you wonder is anything ever real because...obviously the fact that he doesnt love you anymore is VERY real, so what of the past? Were they all just a game of charades?

Anyway back to not wanting to see him again. It's easier for me to think that he has changed, which is why he stopped loving me. But for the most part, I don't think he has. He still has the same dreams that he had when I was with him. He still has the same hobbies, still like the same type of movies...so if he hasn't change, what went wrong? Maybe...I just lost my "lovability" :P. I tried so hard to hang on which eventually drove him away. Simply said, I lost you, in every sense of the word.

So I don't want to see you again, because its a reminder that I failed. That someone actually can NOT love me. A bitter pill to swallow for someone who wants people to like her i.e moi.
And it irks me that he messaged me again yesterday. Something I would consider quite sweet in normal circumstances, but since its from him I find quite....frustrating. Perhaps he is trying to reach out to me with kindness, but I just can't figure out why do you want to reach out to me at all? You're good at leaving me alone, why not keep it that way? Your choice was to leave,and you don't owe me anything. Fine. I don't need your pity or your kindness.

Sigh...I don't know if writing this blog makes me feel better...but maybe, I just need to justify myself...no matter how immature I sound, that doesn't make me wrong...

"Jess, you should never be sorry for feeling..." - Teh*

* Words uttered by my ex-best friend during a very depressing moment in my life..sigh...now there's another blog-worthy story...but no,enough with the depression:P"

Lost

I have a feeling that I need to write, put into words all the thoughts swirling in my head...but every thought is so hard to explain, so vague sometimes that I cannot even fully understand it...perhaps the intensity of each thought is something that you can feel but cannot express...which I find very disturbing, because I have never been the kind of person who's able to bottle up my feelings...I need to immerse in them and let them run free before I can detach myself and then return to some semblance of normality...haha kinda wished that I have a Pensieve, like the one Professor Dumbledore has where he draws out his thoughts and can examine them carefully instead of them swimming aimlessly in his mind...

These past few weeks I have felt...alarmingly...Lost. Graduation is one thing. Leaving a life that I not only knew well, but Loved so is scary. It's weird, for someone who likes going around places, seeing new things, being busy and feeling useful, I am actually also very afraid of change and, well, I love my comfort zone.

I like the feeling that no matter how hectic things get, there is always that same place you can go back to to rest your head at night, that favourite CD of yours that you can listen to to destress, or just that space where you can go to be alone and away from the world. The past 2 years have been eye-opening for me in the sense that I got to travel and meet people and do so many different things and play different roles in AIESEC, and though there have been stressful times, I still could cope because whenever I got too tired for anything, I could just lock myself up in my Kebudayaan room, hug Baba in my arms, switch off my handphone and sleep, and let those 4 walls, with all the notice boards and posters, to protect me from the noise and frenzy happening outside that would consume me otherwise. In my room and in my own space, I could just BE, and there will be no one to judge or criticise me for being so.

And now that I don't have that, I'm lost. So lost. Maybe that's why I am having such a hard time with Brandstorm...I am facing stress and all these shit without my usual buffers - my room, my music, familiar faces...In a way I am hoping that this will finish soon and I can focus on rebuilding a new life, a new pattern...I know it's funny and weird, to actually WANT to have a routine life, but well...I guess, I just want..a "Home Life" as John Mayers says it :P

I was looking at the IKEA catalogue and I remember telling Woonie that I hope I can have an IKEA home :P The idea of making an empty space totally yours and infusing everything with little bits of you...gosh...I think that has always been a vulnerable point about me...a lot of things, or even people around me, once I like or love something, I latch on to it and pour my emotions into it until sometimes it feels like I can't let go...which can be very very damaging, after all, everything changes and your heart can only withstand so much hurt and disappointment....but then the opposite is true as well for me...if I don't like something...then my heart's just not there...

Another thing that has been bugging me is having a long distance relationship (LDR)... unbelievable but yeah someone Jess likes actually loves her back!!! (albeit a bit blurly, you have to know my guy to understand:P)...I still wonder how is it that I consciously chose to be in this relationship, knowing that it was going to be LDR most of the time? Hmm...maybe I love him more than I thought haha :P But seriously, I think...unexciting and old-fashioned as it may sound, I will consciously try to be nearer to him...my guy and I has known each other for years, and for the most part of those years we have been close friends...I know that both of us dreams of seeing a little bit more of the world outside than what we have now, and I know that neither of us will stop the other from going...so I guess..I just want to have a more normal relationship with him, ie, see him on a more consistent basis instead of like now:P before both of us go our separate ways and things will go back to maintaining the LDR status quo...

People always thought I'm a girl with big dreams...maybe my dreams are big in that I want to see places, taste and feel all the different colours of the world...but then again, I always knew I am not meant for great things...Opening a huge company, being a well-known figure, having loads of cash, I kinda knew those kind of things will never have my name stamped on them*...I just want myself and the people around me to be happy... :).

* To my guy if you are reading this: I'm always telling you that I want to marry a rich husband and live a life of luxury, but I think you should have no worries after reading this ya? ;p Not pretty enough to be a trophy wife, neither am I ambitious enough to climb the social ladder in order to snag that imaginary rich husband...so I guess you'll be stuck with me for quite a while haha....

"I will tell you this much, I will marry just once,
And if it doesn't work out, give her half of my stuff,
It's fine with me, we said eternity...
I will go to my grave, with the love that I gave,
Not just a melody line, on the radiowave,
It dissipates, but home life doesn't change..."

- "Home Life" - John Mayer